Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
cyclists
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times