Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.