Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
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*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
How wrong was this guy?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?