me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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