opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
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I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.