The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?