Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me