I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
peak technology
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.