Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
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It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Me irl
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.