You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*