Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”