If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
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Yup….perfect score!
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend