I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first