bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
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The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.