Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Worst bar ever.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees