Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Scream sneezers need love too.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Terribly Tuesday.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose