Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
#milo
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.