Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.