[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
mosquitos out here really acting like it鈥檚 ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He鈥檚 going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Based Erika
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Optional boss fight.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 馃拃
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it鈥檚 important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My favorite part of Beethoven鈥檚 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
It鈥檚 like all of my wife鈥檚 friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don鈥檛 know how to land?