if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
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midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots