Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I missed you with all my darts
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I put the h in mysterious.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.