“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Omg 🤣
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
😏😏😏
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy