*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
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My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat