Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
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I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”