He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Bill is short for Billiam
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised