not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
#SuperBowl
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I am also baked goods
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.