Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….