Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
This a good idea
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.