No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it