Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”