The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
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Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
all that yoga finally paid off
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.