I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.