How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.