They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Guilty! 🤪
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe