me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
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[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,