The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.