Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
You Might Also Like
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!