Hello, my name is Pierre.
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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I gave up going to work for lent.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.