“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.