If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.