Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
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me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse