given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH