What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
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a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?