For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
You Might Also Like
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Whisper out to librarians!
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.