What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
You Might Also Like
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Bootstraps
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.