Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
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Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.