Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.