I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
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“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend