yeah not falling for this one
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*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.