[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
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Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room